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Tony (John Speredakos, seen here from 1993's "Return to Lonesome Dove") The play is set in 26 year old Tony's swank Hollywood house. He represents every writer who's excelled at climbing the ladder of success, but hasn't gotten one step closer to his own goal of artistic achievement (It may be a buried joke that TV awards-obsessed Tony is named after the theatrical award). He read Chekhov in college, but now he writes about supermodels who become cops. His current industry "friends" see all relationships as opportunities for advancement or one-upmanship. The only way he can see to achieving respectability is to form his own company, "All For One Productions". Using his clout as an award-winning screenwriter, he'll make the kind of intelligent shows that people like him and his friends want to see. And who better to help than his two old friends, Jeff and Fred? "The Three Musketeers" were a real team once; why not recapture that magic, even though it's been a while? Once they arrive from the old neighborhood back east, he'll rekindle those old creative fires with an all-star game of Strat-o-matic baseball, a stat-heavy board game that can simulate any team and any player in sports history. Of course, he's really trying to simulate an all-star team from his childhood, and just as Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig never played together, neither were he and his friends ever really working from the same playbook. |
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Lynn (Calista Flockhart, seen here in 1994's "Getting In") Tony's 26 year old girlfriend is a third grade teacher who, like him, feels adrift in Hollywood. The reason she's there is for Tony, but his self-doubt only magnifies hers. Currently it's the end of the school term, and she's preoccupied writing comment cards on her students, so it's a time for evaluating everybody's progress. She's the first sign in the play that Tony's "Three Musketeers" plan won't work. She's known him since college, but his interest seems to have drifted from her unglamorous reality as he devoted himself to supermodel intrigue (on and off the set). Tony sees her as pure and innocent, whose love dates back to his pre-showbiz days, but what does he really know about her motives? One of her first lines is a biblical quote about putting away childish things. Tony doesn't pick up on it, but his old buddy, Jeff, certainly does. |
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Jeff (Liev Schreiber, seen here in 1994's "Mixed Nuts"--No, he's not in drag in "All For One", but it's the only picture I could find from this year. Comedy isn't pretty! It does rather capture his character's moody personality, though!) Jeff is going to be "Vice President of Legal Affairs" for the future "All For One Productions" that Tony envisions. He's currently in law school, but just barely. Like Tony, he's lost touch with his dreams and looking to the past for a solution. He's become a sad-faced 26 year old virgin whose luggage is having more fun than him: on the flight over, it got redirected to Paris, the City of Love. Meanwhile, he's been nursing a crush on Lynn since college, when she was the Most Popular girl on campus. She's been his real life golden statuette, a coveted prize for his years of lonely obsession and a possible way out of his quagmire of indecision. |
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Jonny Lightingrod (Michael Louis Wells, seen here in 1995's "The Jerky Boys"--he's also a playwright at the EST) 26 year old Fred seems to have changed the most of all of them since college. He used to be "good at math", and Tony was hoping he'd be "All For One"'s Vice President in charge of Business Affairs. Now Fred has a new name (Jonny Lightningrod), a new look (punk/grunge), a satchel of hand-pressed 45's with his yet-to-be hit song (though no one can listen to 45's on their CD players anymore), and a full-blown drug addiction and accompanying drug-related lingo and protocol that no one can make sense of. It sounds like a full 180 degrees from the old days, but it becomes clear after a little reminiscing that he's only carrying on the same activity they all used to indulge in back in the outfield when they were supposed to be concentrating on the game. Worst of all, like Jeff, "Jonny" also has a hidden agenda with Tony, looking for a little opportunity and one-upmanship. |
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Farrah (Noelle Parker, seen here in 1993's "L.A. Rules") If Jonny is the lighting rod, then Farrah is the lightning, and the wild card in Tony's Strat-o-matic boys club. She's Jonny's 17 year old girlfriend (Noelle was actually 24 at the time), though "girlfriend" is too strong a word for Farrah to describe her relationship to him. She has no illusions whatsoever, sizing up everybody and throwing her first impressions of them in their faces without warning or provocation. She has ambition to spare, but unlike the others, she has no hidden agenda, and doesn't hide behind slogans like "All for one"--she's entirely out for herself. Her real name is not Farrah, of course. Once again, Noelle plays a character who needs to find a new name for herself. Ironically, the one she's taken is from the inspiration for Tony's show. It's no surprise that "Model Detectives" is her favorite program, but she looks for a significance in it that he doesn't, and wants him to tone down the satire that only masquarades as girl-power. No doubt Farrah Fawcett was Tony's first star of his fantasies as a youth, but now in a position of power, he mocks his former idol with this jokey send-up. Charlie's most famous Angel returns to him in the person of this foul-mouthed cherub who, unlike the stars of his show, won't sleep with him or bother scheming behind his back. She breaks through his pretension, reaches right into his lying soul and wrings from him the most humbling confession of all, leaving him in complete awe of her power. Payback is a bitch! |
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FARRAH: . . . Wow, so this it it. L.A. Tinseltown. I've always wanted to come here, all my life, and now here I am, in the flesh, and all I can say is: score! |
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TONY: So, you're . . . really pursuing music, hunh? JONNY: Music is my life, Tony. Of course it's not just music, it's the image, too. TONY: I can see that. (JEff looks at the back of the album.) JEFF: (Reads) "All songs written and performed by Jonny Lightingrod. All songs produced by Jonny Lightningrod. Copyright, 1995, Lightningrod Music." FARRAH: Can you believe he made fifteen hundred of those things? JONNY: Fifteen hundred is nothing. FARRAH: Think of all the drugs you could have bought. |
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FARRAH: Which show? Which show do you write? TONY: "Model Detectives." But please don't blame me. FARRAH: "Model Detectives"? You write "Model Detectives"? TONY: It writes itself, really. FARRAH: I love "Model Detectives"! It's my favorite show. TONY: Oh. I'm sorry. FARRAH: Blow my mind. In my opinion, "Model Detectives" is the best thing on TV since "Charlie's Angels". And you know why? Because it's beautiful women with guns. It's like, okay, you have these two babes up there: there's Cindy Davis, the blonde Sex Kitten, and Alexis Thomson, the brunette Ice Goddess. they're both super vixens, but the thing is, they have guns, and nobody can fuck with them. Am I right? TONY: I just hope they don't own guns in real life. FARRAH: I have only one bone to pick with you. TONY: What's that? FARRAH: You should go easier on the comedy, and make it a bit more serious, like "Charlie's Angels" was. |
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TONY: Listen, sweetheart, not all honesty is refreshing. FARRAH: I'm just saying that possibly you might want to try someone like me, who has completely unlimited potential. TONY: For what? FARRAH: For anything. The world is my oyster. In a few hours I might feel like shooting myself in the head, in fact, I probably will. But right now, sitting here with you, I have this feeling that life can be whatever we want. Anything we imagine, we can make it come true. TONY: I think that's called manic depression. FARRAH: Call it what you like. I just have, you know, the killer instinct. I generally get what I want. You don't even know the half of it. |
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TONY: Well, it looks like I didn't have to make up those business cards for Fred. JEFF: I guess not. TONY: He doesn't realize, the only thing the show could do is make fun of him. That's how it works. We give people what they want. We show life as they want to see it. And they don't want to see anything different. If it's different, we make fun of it. JEFF: Is that . . . in your contract? TONY: Yeah, it's the famous "uphold mediocrity" clause. |
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FARRAH: Nervous yet? Personally, I would be shitting bricks. I would be like . . . offering my soul to Satan. TONY: (nervously) This may seem amazing to you, but there's more important things than the People's Most Popular Award. FARRAH: Like what? Peace on earth? Why can't you just admit you want this award so bad you'd sell your mother for it. |
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FARRAH: Come on, man, take me to the awards. That would be so hot. Patricia at the fucking People's Most Popular Awards. My friends would die like roaches. TONY: Who's Patricia? FARRAH: What do you mean, Patricia? Who said Patricia? TONY: You did. FARRAH: No I didn't. You're hearing shit. |
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FARRAH: Asshole . . . Did it sound like I was joking? I could be an actress. Wanna see me act? JEFF: I don't know. FARRAH: Alright, ready? (She says each line with appropriate and seemingly sincere emotion.) Oh God, I love you. I really love you . . . I hate you! I hate you! . . . Easy now, hand over that gun . . . Tee hee hee! Did something just fall down into my bra? . . . Come over here and give me a kiss. . . . You slimy bastard, I wouldn't touch you if you were the last person left on this stinking planet! . . . What do you think? JEFF: I guess you could be an actress. FARRAH: Of course I'd rather direct. But a lot of actors are moving into directing nowadays, right? |
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TONY: I don't have any friends. FARRAH: After a certain point, I think we outgrow friendship. TONY: I don't know what to do. I don't have anyone to talk to. FARRAH: What about your parents? TONY: Did they call? FARRAH: No, but a lot of other people did. TONY: My parents didn't call? FARRAH: Nope. Oh, well. What are parents? They're just two people who screwed one night and then decided not to have an abortion. TONY: You have a great way with words. |
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FARRAH: You love it. I want you to say it. "I love 'Model Detectives'." Say it. TONY: I will not say it. FARRAH: Say it. Or I'll grab your nuts and squeeze. TONY: Alright, I'll say it. (Pause.) I can't. FARRAH: You can. Just say it. TONY: I . . . I love "Model Detectives." FARRAH: With feeling. TONY: I love "Model Detectives." I love it. I love the shit. FARRAH: Feels good, doesn't it? TONY: Un-hunh. FARRAH: Okay, now shut the fuck up about it. I'm sick of hearing about this stupid show. |
